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Sex And Parenthood

Written on February 29, 2008 by steven

Your sexual relationship will, for a short time, be one of the many aspects of your partnership that has to adapt. Talk openly to each other about your sexual needs and expectations so this doesn’t become a difficult issue.

Your Feelings About Sex

Don’t just have sex because you think it’s what your partner wants, and don’t expect to have sex after a certain time. It’s normal to feel sexually different now that you’re in the dual contradictory role of being a parent and a lover. You may even feel guilty about wanting or thinking about sex because you feel you should be caring for and thinking about your baby. Don’t take sexual rejection personally. Talk to each other and try to understand the reasons for wanting or not wanting to resume intercourse. Sex can only become a problem if you let it, and it should be easily resolved if you keep talking to each other about how you feel.

How Sex can help

Taking care of a baby can cause tensions and problems. Having intercourse at the right time, when you’re both ready for it, may be just what you need to reaffirm your desire and affection for each other.

Physical Considerations

You can generally resume sex when you both feel ready (unless you have been advised to wait for any reason), but there may be physical problems that will deter you from resuming sex in the first weeks after the birth.

Vaginal discomfort

It’s normal to feel too sore and tender to resume penetrative sex. The vagina will be bruised, making sex painful even if the childbirth was free of intervention. If you had an episiotomy, you may not be able to tolerate anything rubbing against the site for many months. Also, the glands that normally lubricate the vagina will nor function effectively because of hormonal changes, so it’s advisable to use a lubricating cream, which is available from your pharmacist.

Lochia

Don’t resume penetrative sex until this discharge has stopped, which may not be for up to six weeks.

Breastfeeding

Your breasts may leak milk during intercourse, especially when you orgasm, which can be a shock unless you’re both prepared for it.

Tiredness

Given the choice between having sex or sleeping, most new parents would choose the latter. Until you have more of a routine, and have found ways to have time to your selves, it’s difficult to resume a normal sex life. Try to be understanding if either one of you is too tired for sex.

Libido

It appears that the sex drive in both new parents is much lower than normal, and it returns slowly over a matter of months.

Cesarean

Although you won’t have any vaginal discomfort, a cesarean is major abdominal surgery. You’re likely to feel very tender for around six weeks and should wait to resume sex until you’re fully recovered.

Mother

Given your new responsibilities and possible physical discomforts having sex is unlikely to be a high priority.

Your Body Image

You may feel unattractive if you have stretch marks and feel bloated, but your partner is probably less bothered about these things than you think. However, you do have to start liking yourself again before you can enjoy sex. Consider exercising if nothing else, you’ll feel better about yourself. If you’re breastfeeding, you may be uncomfortable about your partner touching your breasts. Tell him he may share your feelings.
Your baby

You’re likely to be completely preoccupied with your baby and having sex may be the last thing you want to think about. This is normal, but once you decide to resume sex, try to put the baby to the back of your mind.

Your partner

Don’t put up with uncomfortable or painful sex because you feel dutiful. Your main priority is your baby and, although your partner needs to feel loved, you can show that in other ways. Remember, although you’re preoccupied and fulfilled by your baby, your partner may not be to the same extent. Talk about this and how it affects your feelings about sex.

Contraception

The last thing you’re likely to want when you’re looking after a newborn baby is to find that you’re immediately going to be parents all over again) If your midwife or obstetrician gynecologist doesn’t ask you about contraception while you’re in the hospital, she may ask you about it at your six week checkup. You can become pregnant if your periods have not resumed, and you can be fertile as early as three weeks after the birth of your baby.

Breastfeeding

Breastfeeding does reduce fertility, but you have to be feeding very regularly (at least every four hours, and for some women, more often) to prevent ovulation. Breastfeeding is not a contraceptive.

Having Sex

Without it being an automatic prelude to sex, you should both feel that you can engage in physical contact when ever you feel like it. It’s important that you continue to enjoy sex and find what is right for both of you talk about your preferences and be open to trying new things.

Foreplay

It’s good to build up your sex drive through foreplay touch and caress, massage each other with aromatic oils, or take a bath together.

Nonpenetrative sex

For the first few times, maybe quite soon after the birth, try bringing each other to orgasm through gentle manual and oral sex. Consider being experimental, for example, you could try using some sex toys, such as a vibrator.

Comfortable positions

Once you feel confident enough to try penetrative sex, experiment with different positions to find the ones that put least pressure on the sore areas. Stop at any time if the woman feels discomfort.

Father

It’s quite natural to have a low sex drive for a short time after your baby is born. It’s often a good thing because it allows you to concentrate on your baby. Many men, though, do want to resume sexual activity sooner than their partners.

Reasons for a low sex drive

  • Being too tired and preoccupied with the baby.
  • Having witnessed the birth. Sharing a bedroom with your baby.
  • Feeling that your partner’s body (especially her breasts) belongs to the baby and finding it difficult to think of her sexually.
  • Being afraid of physically hurting your partner.

Understanding your partner

Start being closer and more affectionate gradually and you’ll soon begin to see your partner as your lover again.

  • Don’t expect too much from your partner too soon. Sex will be much less enjoyable for you if she’s not ready or comfortable.
  • Your partner may find it difficult to relax during sex because she will be listening for your baby’s cry. Be understanding, and try to find time when you can be alone without you r baby.
  • If your partner cuddles you or you’re just being affectionate with each other, don’t assume you will have sex. This will only upset her, disappoint you, and probably cause an argument.

Methods Of Contraception

Type Advice
Pill Those containing estrogen are not prescribed for women who are breastfeeding because they reduce milk production.
Mini-pill These only contain progestogen, which does not inhibit milk production, but they may worsen any postpartum depression by inhibiting the natural production of progesterone. The mini pill must be taken at the same time each day.
Condom diaphragm These should be used with a contraceptive gel for comfort and security. If you used a diaphragm before you were pregnant, you’ll need to be fitted for a new one.
IUD (intra ­ uterine device) Your cervix may have enlarged and won’t return to its normal size for 2-3 months. If you used an IUD before you were pregnant, you’ll need a new one. Some doctors will fit this at the 6-week check, although others prefer to wait a bit longer.

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